What a Shame.

Sometimes, when the world is quiet or I’m just in my head, I reminisce. I quietly check up on people I shouldn’t. I flip through the 15,000 photos in my library. I’ve even been known to search a few key words in my Messages app and read threads from 3 years ago. I want to say it’s a “getting older” kind of thing. You know. You wanna reflect on the “good days”. But I’ve always done this and I’m not sure it’s connected to any good. I mourn old friendships, situationships, relationships, deep partnerships. I mourn my childhood, my teenage years, early adulthood. I mourn the love I gave out and didn’t receive in return. I look back on situations and reflect on things I could’ve done differently. I give a snap or two to situations I handled perfectly.

I check in on my people or who used to be my people and they’re doing fine. And don’t get me wrong, I’m rooting for you. Every one I’ve ever loved. I’m absolutely rooting for you. But, sometimes it makes me question myself. Was I the problem? Did we really just grow apart or was it something I did? Was I a bad friend? A bad girlfriend? Maybe I should’ve given it more time; maybe the grass was greener on the other side of our blues. I could’ve stuck it out a little longer. I could’ve reached out a little more. Because seeing you thrive and your display of joy, reminds me of why I fell in love with you in the first place. And I wish I could stay there in that space, I really do. But I have to protect myself. So I have to remember the storms, the vitriol, the way you made me feel, how lonely I felt even when I called you a friend, the lies you told me, the way I all but begged you to stick around and you left anyway.

What a shame.